Bunnicide: A Tale of Murder and Mayhem

Kaia and I were enjoying a nice, long walk last night. We have a ton of bunnies in our neighborhood, and we both discovered that she loves chasing after them. Fortunately, she’s on a leash and can’t actually catch them. And yes, I call them bunnies, not rabbits. Deal with it. Or you’ll be next. (That’s called foreshadowing.)

We made our way to a cul-de-sac, and she was happily sniffing every inch of grass, when I looked down and saw a teeny-tiny baby bunny sitting next to a tree. Knowing Kaia could likely catch this one, I tried to steer her away, but she quickly spied the little fluffball and lunged. Thankfully, the baby was much faster than Kaia, and it leaped to a safer location.

When I looked down at the ground by the tree, I noticed what looked like a bunny nest. I thought, “Crap! That baby needs to be back in the nest where it’s safe!” So, like a complete IDIOT, I felt around the area to see if there was a hole. At which point ANOTHER bunny came bounding out and hopped into the bushes.

Kaia was going a bit crazy at this point, so I tied her to the nearest mailbox. I just had to find the babies and get them back to the nest! I scanned the ground, quickly found one and gently put her back in the safety of the hole. I searched all around for the other one, but couldn’t find it.

I didn’t want to just leave the poor little bunny to fend for itself, but I also didn’t want to keep searching for him on someone else’s property. So, I decided I’d see if anyone was home, and if so I’d explain what had happened, and show them where the hole was. That way if they found the baby bunny they could put it back.

I tentatively rang the doorbell, and a man opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. He was quite rough looking. A stocky man, with a big beer belly and a couple of days’ growth on his bloated red face, he smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. He wore a dirty t-shirt, worn-out jeans and large steel-toed boots. I immediately regretted my decision.

He gruffly asked me what I wanted, and I quickly explained the situation, fully expecting him to just shut the door and tell me to leave. To my surprise, however, he asked me to show him where the hole was. I felt bad for making such a snap judgement about him. He really did care!

We walked over to the tree, and I pointed to the nest. He reached down and put his hand inside the hole.

“No!” I said. “The baby will escape again!”

Ignoring me, he reached in and pulled out the tiny bunny, threw him to the ground and STOMPED on him!

“God-damned rabbits are always in my yard, chewing up my garden!” he said with a smug, menacing snarl. Blinded by tears and fueled by rage, I reached out and smacked him in the chest.

He looked at me, laughing, I’m sure wondering what this little blonde thought she was going to accomplish with a mere slap to the chest. But slowly, his eyes widened in grim understanding.

“The five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique? How did you learn that?”

“I watched Kill Bill 47 times, motherfucker.”

He turned around toward his house, took five steps, and collapsed in a dead heap.

I untied Kaia from the mailbox, and we continued our walk. “Let’s go home, pup.”

SIGNATURE

 

 

 

p.s. OK, so maybe that’s not how it really happened. Maybe I couldn’t find the second bunny and just went home, feeling guilty.

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24 Comments

  1. Posted August 27, 2009 at 1:55 pm | Permalink

    HA!

    That was just wrong! I was believing you!!

    I’m glad everything ended happily (hopefully!) at least.

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted August 27, 2009 at 2:12 pm | Permalink

      HA! Gotcha!

      • Mello Yello
        Posted August 28, 2009 at 11:18 am | Permalink

        You. My friend. Are an ass!

      • justmeandthevoices
        Posted August 28, 2009 at 11:49 am | Permalink

        Yes, but you love me!

        Sent from my iPhone

  2. Posted August 27, 2009 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    You totally got me! I totally believed you too!
    I’m sure the bunny will be fine, survival of the fittest. Well, as long as you don’t let Kaia run after the babies… 🙂

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted August 28, 2009 at 8:56 am | Permalink

      Hee-hee. I am a stinker! Yes, we went by the nest yesterday, and the bunnies were gone. So I think they were old enough to get out on their own. At least that’s what I’m telling myself…

  3. Posted August 27, 2009 at 8:38 pm | Permalink

    This was cracking me up! Kaia is adorable.

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted August 28, 2009 at 8:54 am | Permalink

      Glad I could make you laugh 😉 This was just what was going through my mind when I actually considered ringing the doorbell. Then I thought, “Nah, better not. There are lots of bunny haters around here.”

  4. Luke's mom
    Posted August 28, 2009 at 8:55 am | Permalink

    I totally bought into it too! I thought, “damn, she’s bold! I want to be like Suzy when I grow up.”

    Still an awesome story – this version is so much better than the reality.

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted August 28, 2009 at 9:22 am | Permalink

      Bold, or stupid? I would have gotten in big trouble with Nature Boy if I’d knocked on some stranger’s door.

  5. Honeybee
    Posted August 28, 2009 at 3:24 pm | Permalink

    There is a thin line between your creative, entertaining genius and the mind of a serial killer! Just kidding…love you!

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted August 28, 2009 at 3:37 pm | Permalink

      Heh, sometimes I do feel a bit homicidal 😉 Love you too!!

  6. Posted August 28, 2009 at 11:19 pm | Permalink

    Anyone who can reference the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique and bunnies in the same blog is awesomesauce in my book.

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted August 29, 2009 at 10:19 am | Permalink

      Awesomesauce! What a fabulous compliment! Much thanks! And exclamation points!!

  7. Posted August 31, 2009 at 11:44 pm | Permalink

    I have so many daydreams like this… Maybe not about bunnies – yet – but definitely along those lines. But where did the real story end? I guess when the originally bunny hopped off? Now I want to watch Kill Bill again…

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted September 1, 2009 at 8:52 am | Permalink

      The real story ended when I searched for the second bunny and couldn’t find him. See, I was contemplating knocking on the person’s door, but the I remembered that not everyone likes rabbits, and many of them think they’re a nuisance. So, I just went on my merry way, with this post brewing in my head. 😉

      I know! I want to watch it again too. Maybe I CAN really learn the exploding heart technique.

  8. Posted September 2, 2009 at 1:11 am | Permalink

    LOL! Our yard is over run with bunnies year round. The babies are cute … but they DO eat our flowers and grass down to nothing. I never have the heart to chase them away. Our Golden Retriever has caught only one in the many years we’ve lived in our house. He brought it (dead) into our house to show me. I screamed! : )

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted September 2, 2009 at 8:46 am | Permalink

      Same as us. Bunnies everywhere. We have a mesh fence around the garden so they can’t get in. Don’t you just love with the animals bring you dead presents?? My old cat used to do that with bunnies, birds, toads, shrews, etc. Basically anything that moved. Sometimes the porch would have two or three dead bodies on it. Classy.

  9. Posted September 4, 2009 at 12:27 am | Permalink

    This still makes me laugh.

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted September 4, 2009 at 7:36 am | Permalink

      Thanks!! And also because I have nothing else up! Sheesh, I need to write something already.

  10. Posted September 4, 2009 at 3:41 pm | Permalink

    Ha! That was hysterical! I like your made up ending better though. 🙂

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted September 4, 2009 at 5:01 pm | Permalink

      Thanks!! We actually went by the same house the other day and the real guy was outside! He wasn’t fat, but he certainly looked rough, and he was smoking. I think I made the right choice by NOT knocking on the door. But there I go again, so judgy! He’s probably a perfectly nice man.

      Gonna check out your blog now!

  11. Posted September 4, 2009 at 7:45 pm | Permalink

    Wow, I was reading this and thinking you’re so hardcore and badass for someone with a pink and white striped blog!!! 🙂 It’s always fun to make up scenarios of what you wish happened after dealing with Stupid People.

    • justmeandthevoices
      Posted September 5, 2009 at 10:44 am | Permalink

      HAHAHAHAHA! I love it! That’s me, hardcore badass. I’m going to add you guys to my blogroll!


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